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Unrequited love is love that is not openly reciprocated or understood as such, even though reciprocation is usually deeply desired. The beloved may or may not be aware of the admirer's deep affections. The Merriam Webster Online Dictionary defines unrequited as; "not reciprocated or returned in kind."

History

Unrequited love has a long cultural history. The 1st century BC Roman poet Catullus wrote about his unrequited love for Lesbia in several of his Carmina . Abraham Cowley wrote of the emotion (in " Anacreontiques: Or, Some Copies of Verses Translated Paraphrastically out of Anacreon "):

Robert Burns' poem "Anna, Thy Charms" catches it succinctly:

Alfred Edward Housman wrote a poem inspired by his life-long unrequited love for his best friend Moses Jackson:

Analysis

As the literary selections suggest, the inability to express and fulfill emotional needs may lead to feelings such as depression, low self-esteem, anxiety and rapid mood swings between depression and euphoria. A universal feeling, by some estimates affecting 98% of all people during their lifetimes, unrequited love has naturally been a frequent subject in popular culture.

The object of unrequited love is often a friend or acquaintance, someone regularly encountered in the workplace, during the course of work or other activities involving large groups of people. This creates an awkward situation in which the admirer has difficulty in expressing his/her true feelings, as a romantic relationship may be inconsistent with the existing association; revelation of the lover's feelings might invite rejection, cause embarrassment or might end all access to the beloved.

Unrequited love has long been depicted as noble, an unselfish and stoic willingness to accept suffering, though contemporary western culture may give greater weight to practical, goal-oriented and self-assertive behavior. Literary and artistic depictions of unrequited love may depend on assumptions of social distance which have less relevance in democratic societies with relatively high social mobility, or less rigid codes of sexual fidelity. Nonetheless, the literary record suggests a degree of euphoria in the limerence associated with unrequited love, which has the advantage as well of carrying none of the responsibilities of mutual relationships.

In terms of the feelings of the hopeful one, it could be said that they undergo about the same amount of pain as does someone who is going through the breakup of a romantic relationship without ever having had the benefit of being in that relationship. On the other hand, some research suggests that the object of unrequited affection experiences a variety of negative emotions, including anxiety, frustration and guilt.

Moreover, while it is not identical with puppy love, it can be associated with the underconfidence and emotional immaturity of extreme youth, as illustrated by its prominence as a theme in the work of Charles Schulz; his Peanuts character Charlie Brown suffers from unrequited love for the Little Red-Haired Girl, as does Peppermint Patty for Charlie Brown, Lucy van Pelt for Schroeder, Sally Brown for Linus van Pelt, and Linus for his teacher, Miss Othmar (and later a girl in his class, Lydia). Charlie Brown famously notes in one strip: "Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love." According to Aron, Aron and Allen, "incidence of unreciprocated love greatest for those whose self-reported attachment style was anxious/ambivalent."

In literature

Dante Alighieri's love for Beatrice Portinari as depicted in La Vita Nuova and the Divine Comedy , along with Petrarch's devotion to Laura, established a spiritualized view of unrequited love. In this, as in the literary tradition of courtly love (which was, at least by convention, regularly adulterous, but not typically brought to physical consummation), the longing for the beloved spurs the lover towards physical, moral and/or spiritual perfection. This chivalrous ideal is both lampooned and glorified in Don Quixote.

Other classic literary works which use unrequited love as a key theme include:

  • William Shakespeare's play Romeo and Juliet , in the first act where Romeo is in love with someone other than Juliet.
  • Boccaccio's novel Elegia di Madonna Fiammetta
  • Edmond Rostand's play Cyrano de Bergerac
  • Hans Christian Andersen's fairytale The Little Mermaid
  • Johann Wolfgang von Goethe's novel The Sorrows of Young Werther
  • Gaston Leroux's novel The Phantom of the Opera
  • Victor Hugo's novels The Hunchback of Notre Dame and Les Miserables
  • Charles Dickens' novel A Tale of Two Cities
  • Emily Brontë's novel Wuthering Heights
  • Alexander Pushkin's novel Eugene Onegin
  • F. Scott Fitzgerald's novel The Great Gatsby
  • Gabriel García Márquez' novel Love in the Time of Cholera
  • Félix Arvers, "The Poet of a single poem", confides his unrequited love feelings in his famous Sonnet d'Arvers, ("Un Secret"), dedicated to Marie, the daughter of writer Charles Nodier.
  • France Prešeren, Slovenia's national poet, wrote a devastatingly beautiful sonnet cycle ( Sonetni Venec - A Wreath of Sonnets ) dedicated to his unhappy love for Julija Primic.

In music

Unrequited love has been a topic used repeatedly by musicians; as in literature, its inherent conflicts and universality provide rich opportunities for lyric expression. The often-covered song Glad to Be Unhappy captures the essential ambivalence of the experience:

Many songs of Dusty Springfield convey the theme of unrequited love, most notably "You Don't Have to Say You Love Me" and "I Only Want to Be with You." The songs from the album Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness by The Smashing Pumpkins delves heavily into unrequited love with songs such as "Lily", "Galapagos", "Beautiful", "Thru The Eyes Of Ruby" or "By Starlight."

Other well-known instances include:

  • Blondie : "Maria"
  • James Blunt: "You're Beautiful"
  • Guns N' Roses: "Estranged"
  • Vertical Horizon: "Everything You Want"
  • Donovan: "Catch the Wind"
  • The Left Banke: "Walk Away Renée"
  • Massive Attack: "Unfinished Sympathy"
  • The Temptations: "Just My Imagination"
  • Lionel Richie: "Hello"
  • A Perfect Circle: "3 Libras"
  • Kasey Chambers: "Not Pretty Enough"
  • Pearl Jam: "Black"
  • Madonna: "Burning Up", "Open Your Heart"
  • Cat Stevens: Here Comes My Baby
  • Rick Springfield: "Jessie's Girl"
  • The Association: "Cherish"
  • Placebo: "Peeping Tom"
  • J. Geils Band: "Love Stinks"
  • Derek and the Dominos: "Layla"
  • Oasis: "Stop Crying Your Heart Out"
  • The Corrs: "What Can I Do"
  • The Killers: "Mr. Brightside"
  • The Killers: "Change Your Mind"
  • Nightwish: "Ever Dream"
  • New Order: "Bizarre Love Triangle"
  • The Moody Blues: "Nights in White Satin"
  • Queen : "Love of My Life"
  • Bread : "Diary"
  • Bread : "If"
  • The Beatles : "No Reply"
  • The Hoosiers : "Worst Case Scenario"
  • Weezer : "El Scorcho"
  • Danger Danger : "I Still Think About You"
  • Radiohead : "Creep"
  • Radiohead : "There There"
  • Muse : "Endlessly"
  • Muse : "Hysteria"
  • Muse : "Eternally Missed"
  • Belle & Sebastian : "Funny Little Frog"
  • Snow Patrol : "Spitting Games"
  • Slipknot : "Vermilion Part 1" & "Part 2"
  • The Pharcyde : "Passin' Me By"
  • Nightwish: "Feel For You"
  • Coldplay : "Shiver"
  • Taylor Swift : "You Belong With Me"
  • Taylor Swift : "Teardrops on My Guitar"
  • Taylor Swift : "Invisible"
  • David Bowie : "Underground"
  • David Bowie : "Within You"
  • Fiona Apple : "Paper Bag"
  • Clan of Xymox : "Cynara"
  • Amy Winehouse : "You Sent Me Flying"
  • Bonnie Raitt : "I Can't Make You Love Me"
  • Nightwish: "Beauty of the Beast"
  • All Shall Perish : "Deconstruction"
  • The Brooklyn Bridge : "The Worst That Could Happen"
  • Bob Marley : "Waiting in Vain"
  • Daniel Bedingfield : "If You're Not the One"
  • Terence Trent D'Arby : "Holding on to You"
  • Killswitch Engage : "My Curse"
  • The Undertones : "One Way Love"
  • The Undertones : "You've Got My Number (Why don't You Use It?)"
  • Buzzcocks : "Ever Fallen in Love?"
  • "If Ever" - recorded on John Denver's Dreamland Express and the soundtrack for Down in the Delta (recorded by Stevie Wonder; also appears on The Ballad Collection )
  • Wheatus: "Teenage Dirtbag"
  • Jack Johnson : "Sitting, Waiting, Wishing"
  • Leona Lewis : "Happy"
  • Britney Spears : "Shadow"
  • Jimmy Eat World : "Kill"

Books

  • Loves me, loves me not: the ethi

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